So I spoke with Chapstick Ferguson the other day, and it looks like he’s got something to share with the readers of Destroyed By Madness. Although it seems like his world is on the up and up, he found himself in a bit of trouble once again. You guessed it, he went back to jail for a pair of weekends to visit his old stomping grounds at the Vista Detention Facility. This time, though, he doesn’t have nearly as much to document in terms of an interesting Blog review. The politics were the same. He arrived to the sounding “WOODS” upon entering the holding cell. This time, instead of sharing a cell with just one inmate connected to a common area, he entered a room with 57 bunks (he counted) piled 3 high. He stuck with his race, ate with his race, read a book called “God’s Prison Gang,” and slept for most of the stay. He recalled the bunks being just as uncomfortable, and the meals being categorized by the same brown gruel, tan gruel, and off white gruel that he remembered.

Although this should be the last time we hear from Chapstick, I did feel compelled to inform you of a prank he witnessed this time around that was pulled at least 3 times over the course of the weekend. It was pulled on the weakest of the bunch, and only to newcomers. Chapstick was wise enough, and strong willed enough to not be the “butt” of the joke (pun completely intended).

Here’s how it works:

A South Sider welcomes the newcomer into the holding cell. He helps him set up his rack (his bunk). And earns quick trust to the nervous rookie. He then explains that everyone there participates in a daily workout.

There are 2 versions of this workout. Version 1 is basically a military push-up: starting from the standing position, squatting down, kick your legs out, do 3 push-ups, back to squatting, and stand up. That counts as 1. The newcomer would be required to do 150 of those.

OR, the newcomer could do 5 “impossible sit-ups.” The impossible sit-up is basically like a normal sit-up, with a partner holding the newcomers ankles to get optimal leverage. The only difference is that another partner holds a towel strategically over the newcomers face, so when said newcomer tries to sit up, he is held back by the tension of the towel pulling back, and being eventually let up to the fully crunched sit up position. This will really give your abs a work out, and will also blind the newcomer for what is to come next.

I bet you can guess where this is going…

So after the South Sider demonstrates this to the newcomer, he asks the newcomer which he would rather do. Of course the newcomer would rather do the 5 “impossible sit-ups” opposed to the 150 military push-ups that would really amount to 450 push-ups. So the newcomer gets in the sit-up position, with a towel over his face, struggles to get the first completed, and once he does, and nothing happens, he gains confidence and trust in the exercise.

The second one, however, happens all to fast and with an ending that is as unexpected as it is unpleasant. Another South Sider squats over the newcomer, facing the partner holding the newcomer’s ankles, pulls down his pants, and prepares for the towel South Sider to let go of the towel as soon as the newcomer is in full struggle to do the sit-up. The newcomer then shots upward, finding his face fully implanted in the mooner’s crack. It’s disturbing to watch, and I can’t even imagine what it’s like for either person, the face-planter, or the crack filler.

Chapstick wanted me to ensure to the readers of my blog that he was not the butt of this joke in any way. Upon entering the holding cell, he was asked if he wanted to work out, and without a missing a stride, he replied, “Not a chance.”

Chapstick’s favorite workout prank was between 2 people that were either homeless, retarded, or a combination of the two.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 29th, 2010 at 1:34 pm and is filed under The Chapstick Breaking Point.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.